Change

My parents have a home movie of me from when I was about three, eating a popsicle on the couch in the living room of our old house with the blue shag carpeting. In it, I am seriously *loving* this popsicle- like, nothing can distract my attention away from this thing. My dad is patiently filming me (why is this entertaining??) and at one point asks: “Leah, what color is your popsicle?” I look up at him and without hesitation say, “It’s blue.” Very self-assured, very confident in this assessment. But then I experience a flicker of doubt, and upon looking down at my popsicle discover it to be, in fact, red. I quickly reneg my statement: “It’s wed, it’s wed” I say, nodding my head, utterly sure this time.

I feel like this anecdote is kind of a good analogy for life: we think one thing, we learn something that challenges that belief, and, if we allow ourselves to remain open to new ways of thinking/being, we adapt based on what we learned. Or, to put it in more active terms: we try one thing, it doesn’t work, we try another.

Since being in Cambodia, I’ve had to renegotiate the way I’m going about things on an almost daily basis. Sometimes it’s something as small as what I’m eating or when I’m going about completing certain tasks (washing clothes, writing lesson plans, etc.), and other times it’s something a lot bigger, like how I’m interacting with my students or my co-teacher. In my experience, if you’re paying attention, each day can reveal a lot.

I’ve had moments in teaching I’m not too proud of, in which I’ve made students feel belittled and condescended. I’ve also had moments in which I feel connected to my students on a level I’d never have thought possible a year ago, in which we're both better off for having come to class that day, for having lifted each other up out of whatever funk/bout of listlessness that could have developed otherwise. There have been moments I've let slip by in my distraction, thinking about some problem or anxiety of my own, and others I've embraced whole-heartedly, letting things develop as they may and not forcing my will on them.

In about six months, I will move on from this place I’ve called home for the past 18 months. I thought about this fact the other day on a walk and promptly burst into tears. I have NO IDEA what life is going to hold for me after this. I have some hopes, and rough sketches in mind, but really, no one can say.

The idea I wanted to illustrate in that anecdote above is this: life is always changing, and that's okay. Our ideas of what we think we know are always going to be challenged, so it's best if we just accept this fact and allow ourselves to remain open to new ways of being and doing so we can grow into better humans. In times I remain most open to evolution and change, I’m happiest. In times I remain most stagnant and unyielding, I’m most miserable.

...And the thing about this all is I actually hate change more than anyone I know (fact: I cried when my dad shaved off his mustache). I love consistency, and even though I love getting out of a routine, I also love to have one. I do know, however, that accepting change as inevitable is the only way for me to find contentment. Little Leah showed she was not opposed to reevaluating her ideas of what she thought she knew about her beloved popsicle, and I'd hate to disappoint her.

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And now for some pictures from a few of my recent escapades. Enjoy! :)

My dad's visit

Yes, this is a real burger, with red meat and everything.

My friend Debbie's visit

My morning of fishing with my students

Liya, Ohn's daughter

That’s does it for now. :) Be on the look-out for a post about my ongoing library project in the near future… Hope you all are healthy and happy.